Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Lifemate or Baby




I had an interesting discussion with a friend a few days back which inspired some thoughts that i'd like to share. We were talking about a couple going through some challenges in their marriage and it sent me down the thought path as usual. Speaking of challenges in marriage, it seems a lot of people are having it really rough and wearing plastic smiles to cover it up. I hear a lot of stories these days and i can't but be thankful for what hubby and i share.

Ok so we were talking about kids and how for some people, that seems to be the only thing keeping their marriage going. All their discussions and time together is spent either taking care of the kids or talking to each other about the kids. It amazes me how a couple who used to be so in love can almost become strangers to each other. What they were quick to overlook before or forgive become an unpardonable sin! What was the attraction then becomes a note of repulsion.

We have a culture that celebrates mediocrity and that does not pay attention to the most important things. A couple who has been married ten years and are obviously in love are a failure because they have no child yet but a school drop out who is a single parent (don't get me wrong, i am not castigating single parents) or a forced second wife is a woman and has more respect because of a child. I feel like swearing...*hiss*. I digress a bit but is this the most important thing?

I have seen how many women have kids and it's as if everything including their husbands just fall into last place. The only thing that matters becomes the kids and this definitely creates a rift between the man and the woman. Some men will complain and if no changes made, eventually seek solace outside the home or some will just bear the pain alone and wonder if it would be selfish to demand attention from their wives considering they have a baby at hand.

I know it can't be easy and i haven't done it before so pardon me if i am not talking from experience but some things just require common sense. It must be a tough call but one that every woman who wants a loving and lasting relationship needs to take. Hubby and i will have enough children, as much as we like but they are secondary to our relationship, not that i don't intend to take care of my kids but not at the detriment of our relationship. Children will leave the nest and then what will be left?

I will always remember how i fell in love, how i was swept off my feet, i will always remember what being naive and being in love is like and i will always remember the times my husband and i have spent together. They are memories to cherish and give me something to look forward to. So is it worth jeopardising this for kids who will eventually have their own lives???

Maybe if a lot of women have at the back of their minds that they are only wards over their children and the kids are not their property, it might bring things in perspective and let us hold on to what is important! I hear a lot about how marriage is not worth it without children and yada yada. I beg to differ, i would rather have a loving marriage with no kids than have a loveless marriage with many children. And thank God i don't even have to choose. I will have both!

So my question is this what would you rather have? Would you rather have a baby or loving relationship? Or to rephrase, which should take priority? A baby or one's partner? Would love to hear your responses!

24 comments:

Afrobabe said...

At the end of the day a man is likely to stray while the child will always be mine even when he/she has flown the nest so I'd chose kids...

Afrobabe said...

At the end of the day a man is likely to stray while the child will always be mine even when he/she has flown the nest so if I had to choose I'd choose kids...

LG said...

i no go lie' i want........
BOTH




n so shall it be AMENNNNNNNNNNN
dearie, i no hear ur ammi o :)

princesa said...

I want both like LG.
But i think a loving relationship should count for more cos what kind of child will you bring up in a family where there is no love lost.

How are u dear?

Afrobabe said...

@ LG and Princesa na so unna dey fail book...they say choose one unna say in Jesus name na the two.....who no want the 2???

Me I get enough love for any pikin...

rayo said...

i want the man. when a man loves u to bits, jeez i've got this dumb smile on my face coz, i dont wanna stat fantasizin

Mz. Dee said...

Hmm dis is a tough one actually.. the child is after all technically the woman;s blood and the man isnt..

Favoured Girl said...

I'm going to have both - a happy relationship with hubby and great relationship with our kids. Why not?

BUT my relationship with hubby comes first, no doubt. He came before the kids, he'll be there when the kids have moved on with their own lives so it's a no-brainer really. I think it's sad that many couples let the kids take over their relationships, or simply use the kids as a glue to stay together. A marriage should be happy, with or without children.

Charlotte said...

Afrobabe why do you assume that every man will stray?

Writefreak said...

@ afrobabe
don't think like that babes! there are wonderful men out there! Don't mind princesa and lg, dem no pass english abi na maths for school

@lg and princesa
I hear you both o...BOTH, and yes o amen lg!

@rayo
lol, a girl's got the right, fantasise away babe!

@mz dee
i beg to differ! when you get married, you become one flesh with your spouse, the bible says it, they tell you when you take your vows, so if you're one with someone, how would you say that person is not your blood...when the life of the flesh is in the blood! Ok, let me stop preaching but no your spouse is one with you and your child is given to you both as a gift from God!

@fg
girl! i feel you all the way...you're a lady after my heart! *winks*

@charlotte
don't mind afrobabe o, but you didn't say what you think!

aloted said...

"The man said,
This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,
for she was taken out of man.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" Gen 2:23-24

Children are a blessing and addition to the family.

So i guess u know my answer

Bunmmy said...

hmmm well when God made Adam and Eve (pls not Adam and Steve or Eve and Evans) he made them for companionship. A pair. children are a product of that union

rajiyah said...

This was really well put. It makes a lot of sense and I pray we start to see it this way. Thanks for the food for thought.

Rita said...

Companionship in marriage comes before children in marriage in terms of purpose for marriage..."and God saw that man was alone..." Like Aloted rightly pointed out, children are additional blessings. What will be the point of bringing children into a world where the parents cannot teach them the true meaning of love?

Nice post by the way...I really liked ur second and third paragraph that talks about the reality of marriages these days

Chari said...

I'd rather go with middle ground...I think compromises can be made with both but hey if worst comes to worst I'd pick a loving relationship anyday cuz like u said the children will leave the nest...and then what?

Buttercup said...

hmmm im goin to go with ur belief..I WILL HAVE BOTH BY THE GRACE OF GOD! LOL..

olamild said...

Olamild waz here

Kafo said...

a loving relationship
becuz when you have that if a baby comes your relationship still takes precedence and the child will benefit from it but if the child comes just to keep the marriage afloat
katakata will bust oooooooooooo

Aijay said...

I really love this post and I share the same view as u on this issue.

NB: Thanks so much for the award. I really appreciate it. xoxo

Sola Folowosele said...

uhnmm! these women and their thoughts

OluwaDee said...

Hubby b4 kids, cos the kids will 1 day leave me 4 their husbands or wives.

its d cycle of life.

Olamild said...

that baby is so cute.

I dey come back o

Abbie said...

Amen sister, it's in the Bible, your spouse comes before your kids. Not a popular verse but if the both of you are in a happy loving relationship, your kids will benefit from it but no matter how much of a great parent you are to the kids, if either spouse is being neglected, THAT TOO will affect the kids in a negative way.

rethots said...

My partner, no doubt. Children are a reward from the Lord yet still they are but, for a moment; because eventually, they will leave one's house....their own path to thread.

We marry for the companionship (& not necessarily for the children), the children are part of the rewards of marriage but, do not necessarily define the essence of the companionship.

My take.