Tell Them...

We all have people who are dear to our hearts, people we care about and who care about us in return but sometimes we never really know if these people care or they probably never know that we do..

We all go about our ways and we act normal and then when something happens to someone you love, you start thinking about them and taking stock and wondering about your relationship with them over the years. You even assess or wonder if there's something you could have done differently.

I'm against the culture that celebrates someone only after they are long gone and they don't need your praise. By long gone, it could be dead or far away from you. True the saying goes absence makes the mind grow fonder but sometimes i wonder if it really does, does it not just widen the gap? I'm not sure.

I'm not sure why a lot of people have parties when their older people die with the kind of amounts that those people might never have heard about in all their lifetime. When they're alive or around us, it doesn't mean much but once they leave, we start to eulogise and say how much of good people they were. Tell me, of what use is it to them then?

For a lot of us, it's an assumption that our loved ones know we care about them. We justify our actions, if i didn't care for her, would i have done this or that? How do i know if you don't tell me? The best way i can know is if you tell me.

There are so many people in our everyday lives that we take for granted and just never show appreciation to. How about that househelp that makes sure your house is tidy although she gets on your nerves. The issue is right now, all you see is the things she hasn't done, you forget so many the good. How about your gardener, the one who makes sure your house is not overgrown with weed, yes you pay him but a word of appreciation or a pat on the back once in a while never hurt anybody. How about your co worker who makes sure your project is off the ground because you need help. Oh well, you could have done it alone, but he still helped didn't he? What about your husband/wife? Oh gosh, he's just so annoying, do they not have any good sides? If they died today, would you or not sing their praise? If they suddenly walked out on you, will there be a gap or not?

It doesn't have to be an eulogy. It does not have to be poetic. Even a thank you at the right time will go a long way in saying how much we appreciate the other person.

How about telling people that we appreciate them right when they are there or very present in our lives and not when we lose them.

I'm going to practise my own preaching and say thank you blogville, i appreciate you, you're the reason Writefreak is here! And for those bloggers who have moved from bloggers to friends...oh, you guys are the best! You make it worthwhile being here! Love you all :-)

Have a blessed rest of the week!

Mrs Neighbour and other Women!

So i was having a discussion with a few of my colleagues today and someone out of the blues asked a question; if your hubby happened to have a mistress, how would you deal with it? I was the only married person around, so i took it personal...lol...i said my hubby cannot have a mistress, so i cannot come up with how i would react...she goes what if? I said no, there is no what if! And i am right, hubby is God fearing, never been randy and more importantly, i pray for God to keep him and He does! I know he won't!

Anyway, i digress, the gist is not really about hubby and i...apparently my colleague was reading some stuff online and most women responded that it is not a new thing for their men to cheat and so long as they have their place, it's OK.

We went on to discuss how it is actually more of a norm for women to think that way and that the women who think their men would not cheat or do not have a right to cheat are in a minority like me! Ladies, what do you think? Then i go back memory lane, i was in 200 level in OAU and my roommates are having a discussion and they come up with one conclusion,

their husbands have to slap them around at least once so they can respect him!

I was in the minority, i was like what? God forbid, if a man slaps me, i would find it hard to get over it. In fact i thought what would i have to do for the guy to get to that point?? Haba! I digress again but my point is actually that it buttresses to me that some women actually have this mindset...

So fast forward to eight years, i meet a neighbour at a salon, we never knew we were neighbours (not like next door, her house is adjacent mine)...you know how conversations go in salons, so we got talking! For the purpose of this post and subsequent ones if i get to do them, i shall call her Mrs neighbour. My own thought was God have mercy, this woman can talk. In the one hour we spent together, i could summarise her love life story! She had been married to a young guy and somehow they had family interference and after their first kid, they got a divorce. She is now married to a much older man who was a divorcee...and although she's had some issues with the family, everything is ok and she is even pregnant with their first child together...Congratulations! lol

So we walked to our street together, actually that's how we knew we were neighbours and we exchanged numbers after we found out we were even from the same state...maybe i shouldn't have but for now, I'll save that gist...so we start to keep in touch once in a while, me mainly by text messages. She made the first move to visit me...will save that gist too for now, cos i am digressing too much now! Mrs neighbour starts talking about different things and i only nod or laugh and she mentions she knows her husband has girlfriends but that once they don't come near her house, and her position is secure, she has no problem with it. She goes on to mention a few of her friends who know about their husbands' affairs and how they don't seem to mind...She mentioned a few who reacted and how things turned out badly.

By now, i was telling myself, writefreak, what have you gotten yourself into? Who is this woman? Yours truly just sat down there smiling a foolish smile and thinking, this woman and i are worlds apart.

So i got myself a friend who thinks it's ok, her husband can cheat on her so long as she has her place in his home, she has friends who believe the same thing, she is married to a man who can almost be my father, the list continues...and i am trying my best to keep her at bay and get her off my back...

Guess i will continue with Mrs Neighbour part 2. Will love to hear what you have to say. Do you think it's right for a lady to expect her hubby/man to cheat on her? Do men have to beat women to earn respect? It annoys me even as i type the question!

My Learning Experience

I'm sorry for my absence, i am back. Alot has happened to me in the past week and i just haven't been able to blog or do a lot of other things for that matter and i'll share them now.So solomonsydelle and afrobabe, here's the update

Learning is a different experience for different people. This week, i have had some experiences which i'm trying to come to terms with or i've just gotten to accept. I started learning to drive properly in recent times since i have been very lazy about it. I used to leave the car at home and go out in cabs but has proved very inconvenient in recent times, i just hate the haggling and so on so i summoned courage and got hubby's permission to start taking the car. I arranged with one of my colleagues to be riding with me,and voila we were good to go. I had driven round my area for a while so i was gettng confident.

First day i drove to work, the car told me 'check coolant', meaning there was no water in the radiator, we put water and it started leaking, so i called the mechanic to meet me at home, only for us to drive a few metres and the car stopped. We waited there for over an hour, the guy came, attended to it and the car started. I was like so upset, considering i wanted to speand the rest of my afternoon writing after resting a bit. I closed from work at 1:30 and didn't get to my house till like past 4:00. It's only about 20 minutes journey. Hubby and i talked on the phone and we joked about it as part of driving experience, i felt better

The following day, i drove to work and back and there was no issue, so i begged my colleague that i needed fuel for our generator and also some for the car. We drove to the filling station and bought the fuel. I dropped my friend at his place, our houses are just about 5 minutes apart, was driving home jejelly (gently) and was entering a corner, when this car suddenly appeared in front of me, i didn't know what to do, i panicked, next thing our cars had kissed and then i remembered the brake...it was too late! Next thing i know i'm out of my car and shaking like a leaf! I called hubby and said, i have wrecked the front of the car and he was like 'oh my god!'. He wasn't around so he told me to call the mechanic. I called my colleague, i was on autopilot, i gave my car key to a guy i didn't know to help me move it off the road until some lady nudged me to enter the car, the guy could have been a thief! I got into it!

The guy in the car came to meet me asking what he would do now, apparently, he was a driver. i didn't even fully understand yet, my colleague came, the guy said his oga said we should come and meet him in his hospital since he's a doctor. We drove there. The owner of the car refused to come out to talk to use, he sent for his mechanic. We went back to the accident venue, the mechanic exclaimed hwen he saw the car. The left fender was damaged and the headlight was broken etc etc. He was able to drive it, then the owner came out to examine it, he was an Indian, he didn't even acknowledge my presence. He sent for his panel beater and then i was hearing i would need to buy him a new windscreen, new headlamps, new bumper, etc, i was like what? Was this guy waiting for someone to solve all the problems on his car? I'm not a racially prejudiced person but i've heard Indians are very harsh people, it was being confirmed to me live by this guy who was not even willing to hear that i had the L plate on and his driver was not smart enough to swerve for me, only stopped in front making me panic.

The banter went on with my two friends negotiating with them on what i would fix and not fix, and then he wanted me to use his panel beater, it was all getting too much so i decided to go have a talk to him and see if we could reach an agreement. I had spent almost 2 hours with him and i had not even started solving the problem of our own car with its expensive parts. I tried reasoning with him then he told me he treats his car like his patient and if there's a minor damage somewhere, then i would replace it. I flipped, here i was, three hours after leaving work, and tackling unexpected issues, the guy was not even willing to compromise, i could have gone to my house, but out of being a nice person i followed his malo (hausa) driver to meet him. I flipped and started raking for the guy who just entered into his office. i told him if he wanted his panel beater, then he should be prepared to solve the problem himself. I was raking like a mad woman, it was suddenly too much....

We took his car to the panel beater's and my mechanic took our away...i forgot the house keys in the car, the mechanic had to come back with it. Once i entered my house, i broke down, tears that i didn't know were there rose to the surface. It had been a really horibble day, hubby was not around to cry on his shoulders...Everyone kept telling me it was part of learning the ropes. Well hubby wasn't upset about it, he was trying his best to comfort me and even told me i have becoem an international driver. He's such a sweet guy. I cried and felt better

I thought about the whole situation and i decided i'm not buying any windscreen, i paid for the panel beating and will buy the lights, that's all i'm going to do. Thank God he doesn't have my phone number or house address, the guy was just too mean. Or what do you guys think i should do? Will appreciate your suggestions.

Car is being fixed now and life is going on, so that's what i've been up to my peeps!

Recipe for Love

I was inspired yesterday by a friend to write down these things when i asked if he had a girlfriend and he said yes. I asked him the question because he was making me laugh a lot, very funny guy (if you're reading this, i hope you don't mind), anyway i told him i'm sure his girlfriend has a great time with him because he'll be making her laugh a lot. And then he said it is possible he makes other people laugh and no matter how much clowning he does, if his girlfriend is not happy with him, she is not. Sadly, this is true for a lot of people, they can converse freely with other people, laugh with them but their relationships with their partners are going awry or lacking spice. How many times have relationships ended because of these reasons: "we have fallen out of love", "he does not appreciate me", "she does not respect me" etc. I think i know some ingredients for a loving and lasting relationship. I haven't been at this long enough i know, i only got married 6 months ago but i was in a relationship that lasted 6 years and ended in marriage to my wonderful husband. There are principles which do not change over time and i'd like to share them.

Here are some tips i think are important for a wonderful and loving relationship:

* Laugh together - Laugh at yourselves, there are things that happen everyday that we can choose to laugh about. Joke about your mistakes, don't be touchy...Just look enough you will see reasons to laugh.

* Avoid criticism- You really don't have to mention everything that goes wrong, criticism kills a relationship. Find loving ways to communicate correction (note i said correction not criticism). Human beings generally do not like being corrected, the only way it's palatable is when we're sure the other person is looking out for our interest and is not proving superior.

*Pray together- An old saying goes "a family that prays together stays together", i guess that says it all.

*Give gifts- "You can give without loving, you cannot love without giving". Your gifts don't need to be expensive, the thought does it for most people especially if you're like me.

*Spice it up- Don't be dry, find interesting things to do with each other and share some interests. Your own interest might be watching movies together, do it as often as you can, it might be swimming, just think of anything you can do together for fun.

*Respect- Respect, i beg to differ is not domination!! Respect according to the dictionary in simple terms is the condition of being esteemed or honored. The other person wants to feel like you value them. Show some respect. If you're married, don't invite guests over without notifying your spouse, it shows a sign of disrespect. The first time some people hear of something going on with their partner is when their friends say it to their hearing. Show some respect for each other! Always ask yourself before doing something, will it honour or show esteem for my partner? And women, massage the guy's ego. Every man likes to feel he's in charge, i know it's hard in these days of "girl power" but hey, what's most important to you: emancipation or a loving lasting relationship?

*Be open- Don't keep secrets. Try to be each other's best friends. It might be hard initially but it will get easier as you practise this and go a long way in making a wonderful relationship.

*Be committed- Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, a euphoric feeling which you want to have forever. You catch the guy's eyes on the other side of the room and current passes all over your body...girl believe me, this only lasts so much time! The reason most people claim to have fallen out of love is they they think love is that gooey feeling. I'm not saying the feeling will not be there but sometimes you won't have it...Love is most importantly a commitment!

These are a few tips, i could go on and on but they will all revolve around these few theories i guess. Most importantly, the bible teaches us a lot about love and if you're interested you can model 1Cor 13 :4-7 in your relationship, you will never have to fall out of love if you follow the principles stated there. This portion of scriptures says:
Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Just ponder on those verses, do you think that with them you could ever go wrong in love? I sincerely doubt.
Falling in love is a wonderful thing, being in love is great and staying in love is awesome! It's like old wine, it gets better with the years.
I'm grateful i have found love and i thank God for giving me a husband who teaches me to love daily. Thanks baby, you're the best! To those of you who are still looking for love, i pray you find it and if you have found it, i pray for the grace to hold on to it and be able to stay.